The Infomercial (two videos)

 

 

(warm up guy comes out)
Warm Up Guy: Hi, we would like to thank you for taking the time out of your schedules to be here. If you don’t know by now, you have been chosen to be in the studio audience of an infomercial. It’s easy. All you have to do is applaud when we say applaud. Listen, look interested. OK, let’s practice. (Holds up applause sign) Come on now, we paid you each 75 dollars cash which you have in your wallets rights now to help us make this a believable show. So please cooperate. (holds up sign again) One more thing, when you see this sign, please say it along with your host. Let’s practice (sign says “Just tell us how much”) Great, I think you’re ready.
Grip: All right everybody, we are going to have some panning shots of the audience. I want to have your best infomercial clap. I need big smiles, this is what we are putting the titles over, so are are you ready? Counting down, 5, 4, 3, 2…

Harry: Hi, my name is Harry Barns. Have you ever been robbed, mugged, or just didn’t want people to know how much money you have in your wallet? Well, today Royce Clemmons joins me with a new and exciting product. Royce?
Royce: (enters) Hello, hello.
H: Now you’ve graduated from Georgia Tech with a degree in engineering and sociology.
R: That’s right, with my particular background and experience, I’ve developed a new product that’s going to save everyone lot’s of money.
H: Wow, that’s great, can you show us what the product is?
R: Not yet Harry. I’d like to set up a scenario many people in America and around the world have suffered through sometime in their life.
H: OK, how can I help?
All right, you’re going to play the part of the mugger.
H: Whoa! Are you going to spray some pepper in my eyes?
R: No, Harry. I wouldn’t do that to you. Come on. That would make you mad right?
H: Yes, I’d have to hurt you if you did that.
R: This is exactly the situation we want to avoid. If you’re being threatened, you don’t want to antagonize your attacker, you want to outsmart him. I’m going to show you how. Try to rob me.
H: Alright, just go for it?
R: Yes, try to rob me.
H: Give me your money now.
R: But I don’t have any money.
H: Your wallet, give it to me.
R: Don’t shoot. Here you go.
H: (grabs wallet) There’s nothing in here.
R: That’s where you’re wrong! There’s plenty of money in that wallet.
H: I didn’t see any money.
R: No of course not, because the wallet you have in your hand is no ordinary wallet. It is the new Ultra Wallet 2000, 009 series.
H: 009? What is that? Some kind of James Bond wallet?
R: Not only that but it’s more. This wallet here is the only wallet you’ll ever need for any situation in life. Our team of analysts have anticipated any problem you could ever have, and have beaten them all. For example, do you remember the bet we had on the San Franscico game?
H: That’s right, you owe me five bucks… And if I recall, you already said there’s money in your wallet. So give it up.
R: Yes I did (shows audience lots of money) But I’m sorry, I was just kidding because I really have nothing in here.
H: Wait a minute, let me see that. (grabs wallet from Royce)
R: Yes, ladies and gentleman, the most profound feature of the Ultra Wallet 2000 is it’s ability to hide money. So well in fact, that someone searching your wallet couldn’t find a nickel if they had a crowbar.
H: There’s nothing in here.
R: But as easy as a press on the secret button, and, amazing, here’s your five bucks.
H: So, you’re saying I could be on a date, and say I have no money?
R: That’s exactly what I’m saying. For the rest of your life you could be free from the obligation of buying that drink for your friend on his birthday when you don’t have enough money to pay for it. Or when your roommate asks for the rent, and you’re just not ready to give it up. And best of all Harry, when you’re at a strip club, and you want to convince an ugly girl that you don’t want a table dance, the Ultra Wallet 2000 is what you need.
H: That’s great, and I like the wallet, but what happens when I get up, I’m running late, ready to walk out the door, and I can’t find my wallet. I look for it in my pants, and on the dresser where I usually put it.
R: Well, Harry, you’re going to pee your pants, because not only does the Ultra 2000 have a beeper on it, so you can call your wallet and find out where it is, but it also has… are you ready for this Harry? (Plays digital recorder inside wallet which says “Stop! You are stealing this wallet. Stop! You are stealing this wallet”) It also has it’s own bugler alarm and low jack system so the cops can locate it anywhere in the country. Usually returned within 24 hours.
H: That’s amazing! OK, I like to camp. Can it help me there at all?
R: Oh this wallet is the best for camping. Look at this. It comes equpied with it’s own flashlight. Say you’re hiking, you are getting a little  lost, it’s got it’s own compass. Say it’s looking a little rainy, it’s got a barometer. So you can find out how to get back to camp, and if it’s going to rain on you before you get there.
H: that sounds handy. So what if I need to freshen up while I’m out camping.
R: It’s got it’s own shaver. It’s got it’s own toothbrush in there. You’ve got places for the shaving cream, it’s the most incredible wallet. Oh and guess what? Say, you’re feeling a little sick, all you have to do is hold onto the wallet, and it knows what your temperature is.
H: You’re saying you just hold it in your hand, and it knows your temperature?
R: I’m saying hold it in your hand for three seconds the display, right here, will show your temperature to a hundredth of a degree.
H: Alright, I like to cook. How can this wallet help me in the kitchen?
R: This wallet is a wiz in the kitchen. Come with me over to the kitchen. (they both run over to the kitchen set up) Not only does this wallet have it’s own egg timer, so you can time anything you’re baking, but say it’s the holidays, you’re making cookies, look at this, all you need is this handy little attachment (places wisk in wallet) and you can mix the cookies with the wallet Harry. Isn’t that amazing? Now how do you get those cookies onto the pan? It’s also a spatchela. (use outside of wallet to clean out bowl) Look at that.
H: But doesn’t that make it dirty?
R: No Harry, this wallet is so easy to clean, everything comes right off. Good as new. Now after your egg timer goes off, look at this Harry. You can use it as an oven mit! (use crease in wallet to demonstrate) to pull the cookies out of the oven. The Ultra Wallet 2000 is the way.
H: So you’re basically saying it does everything.
R: Oh, I’m saying it does everything and more. Say you’re on vacation, and you don’t want to stay out of touch with all your friend. This wallet is a personal computer. Look at this right here… it pulls out, (pull out small keypad) it’s got a keypad right here, and this is my favorite part… a digital camera. So you can take digital photographs of what’s going on, send them to your friends over the Internet, so they can see you sparkling on the beach.
H: So you’re saying I could get all of that, in a wallet?
R: Yes.
H: I don’t think I could afford something of that quality.
R: Harry, before you talk about price, you should know, that this wallet, right here, can achieve, cold fusion.
H: Cold fusion?
R: Cold fusion! I’m saying, you put a dollar in this slot right here, and you can power your home, you can power your friends home, you can power everyones home, just for a dollar. Watch this, look at this. (holds wallet to lamp, light bulb goes on as it gets close)
H: Ok, stop it, I can’t take it anymore. We’ve got to find out. (gets sign) Just tell us how much! Please Royce, how much? A thousand dollars?
R: Before we go there, you should know that if you buy right now, you will get your own leather restorer and polishing kit.
H: Can you give it to us for less than a thousand dollars?
R: I can do better than that. Are you ready? I’m going to give you this wallet for three easy payments of four hundred dollars.
H: Alright!! (thinks) Well, wait a minute Royce, that comes out to be twelve hundred dollars.
R: You’re wrong again Harry, because I’m going to take the first payment, and pay it for you.
H: Just like that?
R: Just like that. So now how much are you going to pay?
H: Eight hundred dollars.
R: Oh so close, cause I don’t like the number eight, never did, kinda reminds me of my mum,  so I’m going to knock that down to seven. Seven hundred dollars.
H: What do you think audience. I think we can go lower.
R: Lower than this? You’ve got cold fusion, you’ve got a digital camera, you’ve got a Pentium processor in here. What, you want six hundred dollars? Six hundred, is that what you want?
H: I think that sounds good.
R: Ahhhh… you’ve got shaving kits, you’ve got a low jack system. Tell you what, I’m going to half that right now. Three hundred dollars.
H: Come on now, that’s still a little steep for just a wallet.
R: Alright. Alright. This is my final offer. I’m going to make you all the supreme deal. I’ll sell this wallet, and all it’s wonderful features to you, and everybody in the studio audience for the amount of money in your wallet right now.
H: My wallet?
R: In your wallet, right now.
H: Should I do it audience? I don’t even know how much money I have in my wallet.
R: Yes or no Harry?
H: (looking at his wallet) Oh actually, I have nothing.
R: (grabs the normal wallet from Harry) Oh look at that. Don’t you wish you had an Ultra Wallet 2000 right now. You and everyone in the audience would be getting this amazing wallet for free. So let me see, 10, you have a five…. 19 (dumps change out from the wallet in his hand) and 95 cents. 19.95! All new locked in price. $19.95.
H: See the number at the bottom of your screen, call now for this amazing new wallet. Something you just can’t live without. The shaving kit, the Pentium processor.
R: Oh and I’m sorry, I forgot to show you this. It’s got it’s own pizza cutter. (pulls one last thing from the depths of the wallet)
H: I want to thank Royce Clemmons for stopping by and everyone I our studio audience. Thank you Royce. Visa and Mastercard taken.
R: Thank you Harry.
H: And good night!