The Audition part 2 (two videos)

 

 

D: Alright, what did I miss? (Ad-libbing) OK, where are we? 36? Do we have 36 out there?
5: (dressed in drag as Sally Johnson) Hi
D: Well, what do we have here?
5: I’m Sally Johnson, I’m a dancer.
D: Really? So that means you’re the athletic type, huh?
5: Yeah
D: Well, that’s great, that’s great, OK. What I want you to do is, I want you to pretend like you’re on one of those Healthrider things for me. Can you do that?
5: I would, but my agent said this was a Hardees commercial.
D: Nah, I do all kinds of commercials. I do them all right here. But, I’m doing Healthrider commercials right now, so I want you to pretend like you’re on one of those Healthriders for me. That would be great.
5: OK, do you have one?
D: Uhhhh… No. Delivery truck broke down, flat tire, by the airport, couldn’t bring it, so you’re going to have to improvise for me. Can you do that, honey?
5: Oh yes, I’ve been taking improve classes from (Insert local teacher name)
D: Ahhh, that’s great. OK, what I need you to do, is you know how they got their arms out there. (mimes getting on the Healthrider as an example, 5 follows along) Then you pull back. (5 pushes chest forward) Yeah…. That’s great. That’s great… ok, and now ahhhh, add that pelvic motion.
5: OK
D: Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, that’s great honey. That’s sweet, ok thank you. Thank you. OK, now what I need you to do, is to come over here, turn around, and bend over for me.
5: I don’t think so.
D: Wait, you’re not here to think. You’re here to do what I tell you to do. When I tell you to do something, you do it. You wanna get jobs?
5: (starts to cry)
D: Alright look. Come here. Come here. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to make you cry. OK, now watch. It’s very, very easy. (picks up a pencil, and throws it down on the ground in front of him)
5: Oh. (perks up and bend down to pick up the pencil.
D: (staring at her ass) MMMmmm biscuits!!! Alright, that’s great, ok, now I need you to write down your home phone number here… oh yeah that’s great, that’s close to here, that’s going to work out nice. So don’t worry honey, I’ll be calling you, I’ll be calling you. Bye. (vamps about making sure the tape from this audition gets sent to his summer home in some funny city) I love my files, I can spend hours with my files. OK, NEXT!!! OK, who do we have next here… it’s a Jerry. Jerry Bowman? Oh Bowman! I remember that guy. I had to direct him so many time in that damn Friedmans commercial. (mocking) “Do you like it, it’s from Friedmans”

(note: At this point, if anyone is using this script for a show someday, pick something your partner has done to make fun of that the audience will have some knowledge about)

D: Ohhhh… that’s fine. That’s fine. Here is where we get even. I’m going to give him the A #1 treatment. Hey Bowman, #37, I don’t care, get in here.
Jerry: Hi, how’ya doin? (holding resume) Um, where do you want these?
D: (blank menacing stare)
Jerry: Did you do the Friedmans? Yeah, that was a great spot. You know, it’s busy as hell out there.
D: (continues stare, Jerry starts to get uncomfortable. Picks up resume, and starts to look at it silently, occasionally laughing, sighing, or grunting) So, you pole vault, huh?
Jerry: Actually, that could probably come off there, I haven’t pole vaulted since high school.
D: Uh huh. How old are you now?
Jerry: 30
D: Right. So ah, you’re a mime huh?
Jerry: Yeah, I’ve been doing mime since I was like 12 years old.
D: Yeah, that’s great, I fucking hate mimes. OK, mime something for me. Pretend like you just got the job.
Jerry: (mimes getting the phone call from his agent, and looks mildly happy)
D: Yeah, you are a terrible mime. OK, tell you what…. You got the script?
Jerry: Yeah, I’ve got it memorized.
D: No, that’s not what I asked you. Do you got the script?
Jerry: Yeah. (reaches into pocket, has it, shows it to him)
D: Wad it up.
Jerry: Huh?
D: Wad it up!
Jerry: OK
D: Throw it on the ground.
Jerry: Alright.
D: Stomp on it. (Jerry steps on it once) Noooo, stomp on it. Ten times.
Jerry: (counts as he finds larger and larger ways to step on the paper on the floor, counting as he goes, stands up with a smile on his face like he did well)
D: (resumes coldly looking at resume) You’re not gay are you? I can’t stand those light loafing queeros. (continues to be silent again) OK, do you know any impressions? Can you do an impression?
Jerry: Yeah. (as Marge Simpson) Homer, save some pie for Bart and Lisa. Mmmm… blueberry.
D: What the hell is that?
Jerry: The Simpsons
D: Ohhh… Boy… Ok, I’ve been here a long time, and I want you to make me laugh. Just do something funny.
Jerry: OK. (Does a weird dance)
D: (Continues blank stare) You are terrible kid. You are awful. I mean, I’ve seen your picture on the TV. How the hell did you get on the TV in this city? I don’t understand it. But I like you kid, I’m going to give you one more chance. What I want you to do… I want you to tell me, why are biscuits important to you?

(lights dim, special on Jerry)
Jerry: Well, my mom used to cook a lot. And her favorite thing to make were biscuits. She worshiped the biscuit, and taught us to. She learned all the secrets, she would bake dozens and dozens of biscuits, and then she’d leave them in the basement for a year and a half until they were perfectly hard. It was soon after that, she began making things out of biscuits. Dishes, cups, she even made our shoes out of biscuits to save money. (Chariots of Fire music starts low in background) She became insane. No, not insane, obsessed, and she worked day and night baking biscuits, making things. I came home from school one day, and we had a new couch, biscuits. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing, but mom made it, and I appreciated it. She was really amazing. She was an artist. She started making decorative toilet seat covers and a new front door. Dad got excited. He started to help her out. They made nails and screws, and boards, and in two months, they got so good they had added rooms onto our house. I thought it was all so great until dad lost his job, and couldn’t pay the mortgage, and the bank came to repossess the house, but mom and dad stood firm. So the bank sent the wrecking crew down to our house to destroy it, and I remember the bulldozers coming down the street and dad yelling, “Everyone to the biscuit room!!!”, so we all ran to the biscuits room and as we huddled together in terror, I heard the triumphant cries of the wrecking crew as they crashed and burned down the walls of the rooms I once lived in. But within all the fury, they could not destroy the biscuit room. Biscuits saved my life that day, and I don’t even like biscuits, but I respect them. (Music fades out)
D: Uh, that was good, some real honesty there kid. I think you’re ready. Alright, grab the script, try it from the top.
Jerry: MMMMmmmm biscuits.
(Lights out)