Need a Job

 

J: No sorry Jane, we have no opening on our list for secretary’s assistants. I’d say try back tomorrow, we get new calls everyday. Good Luck… OK… Bye now. Hello, this is Bob, thanks for calling “Need a Job”. Um, yes we do have an opening for a civil engineer. Tell you what, give me your number, and I’ll call you right back for some more information, there’s someone here in my office. Great, I’ll call you in about ten minutes. Hello there.
S: Hi. I a… I am…
J: Looking for a job?
S: Yes, yes. I’m in desperate need of work. I just recently lost my job due to cutbacks.
J: What job was that?
S: Scissors inspector.
J: All right, do you have any other experience?
S: Yes, all kinds. Just run down the list of things available.
J: In due time, sir, let’s chat for a second. Do you have a resume I could look through, something to get me better acquainted with you previous background? Any school experience? A Masters degree?
S: No
J: College?
S: No.
J: High school?
S: Well, of course I graduated high school man, I’m not stupid, I’m poor. Now come on, what have you got?
J: Well, for a high school education, we have to use this list. (removes the big one off his desk and refers to a small group of stapled pages)
S: That doesn’t look very promising.
J: There’s actually some very good stuff in here. Did you get along with your mother?
S: Excuse me?
J: Did you get along with your mother?
S: Well, yeah. Is that going to help me get a job?
J: No, I didn’t get along with mine. Everyone always said I had an “Edible” complex or something like that. I mean come on, I’m not a cannibal, especially where my parents were concerned.
S: Oh boy.
J: Well now, how would you feel about being a gynecologist? Have you ever been convicted of a felony?
S: Well, yeah. Once.
J: Oh, that’s too bad. They have strict rules in that business. Wait a minute, this shouldn’t be on this list. I’m so sorry, my secretary is a little flaky. Quality help is so hard to find these days.
S: Well, what’s next? Do you think I could get an interview today?
J: Never lose hope, I’m very good at my job. SO how desperate are you? I have an immediate opening as a sanitation worker, a painter, or one of those guys that oils the lanes in the bowling alley? Oh yeah, that includes some light concessions duties.
S: Well actually, I just started dating a really nice girl, and I kind of want something a little more glamorous. I don’t want to come home smelling of garbage and hot dogs.
J: What about bagels?
S: Bagels aren’t so bad. I actually lived in New York for a little while.
J: I’ve got a server position available at Barbara’s Topless Bagels.
S: Topless?
J: Yeah, you server bagels with your shirt off. It’s a new concept, should be a piece of cake.
S: At least it’s not Barbara’s bottomless bagels. That would make for some very interesting ways to serve… but I don’t know if I have the body for that kind of thing.
J: No worries, I have a long list here. Here we go. Are you an outdoorsy type?
S: Sure.
J: This is perfect. There’s a man in California, a very rich man I might add, who is looking for people for his life size chess board in the backyard. He still needs a few pawns and a castle. You kind of look like a pawn, but the castle pays better if you can get it.
S: They don’t have a king?
J: Nope, sorry. Filled that yesterday.
S: If I can’t be the king, I can’t do it.
J: I’m trying to help you now, you understand this?
S: I understand, but I just couldn’t do that.
J: OK, lets see. I have a subterranean landscaper.
S: A what?
J: A grave digger. No? Alright, this is perfect. The new Macy’s downtown wants a human clock. Eight hour shifts, and they want you to hold your arms with the real time for the shopper. (demonstrates)
S: That could get painful.
J: Yeah, I’ve been having trouble filling that one. Are you creative? Quick on your feet?
S: I like to think so.
J: Conan O’Brian is looking for a new head writer.
S: I don’t think anyone can help him now. Come on, you’ve got to have something good in there.
J: This is interesting. Airporn.
S: Air port?
J: No, Airporn. A new idea on the market, a flying strip club. Being in the air is kind of like being in international waters, there’s no regulations for the gentleman to follow.
S: Now we’re getting somewhere. What do they need, a host, DJ, a bartender?
J: No, a pilot, can you fly a plane?
S: No I can’t fly an airplane!
J: Oh come now, maybe we can find you some temporary work before we find that perfect job. The gay liberation parade is looking for a few good men to ride in on. Do you have a bridle?
S: No, no. Read me the rest of the list, there’s bound to be something I like.
J: OK, but you’ve passed on my best stuff so far. We’ve got a photo shoot for the before picture in a penis enlarger ad. One of the guys who hands out towels in the bathroom. An architecture group in Egypt is looking for laborers to help build a life size pyramid using ancient Egyptian methods. Is anything sounding good?
S: Put a check by the photo shoot, we might need to come back to that one. What else?
J: We have an assortment of line cook positions, a garage door opener, a taffy maker, manager at a glue factory, or if you want to get away from it all, we have a five year stint on a satellite taking pictures of the ozone layer. There’s going to be a nice lunar eclipse in the year 2000. That’s about it except for condom tester.
S: Condom tester?!?!
J: What, did we hit something here?
S: Are you kidding? That’s a dream job. Screw my new girlfriend, or maybe she can get hired, too? Oh my God, this is my lucky day. Where have you been all my life? (kisses him) I’m going to be a condom tester. You put my name down right now, and you call them and tell them they have their man. No, their stud. No, their man, I don’t want to sound pretentious. Wow, I’m going to tell all my friends about you. I’m going to send so much business your way you won’t know what to do with all of it. Oh, thank you!!. Thank you so much!!! (exits)
J: Hey wait, we forgot to get a lung capacity test from you. Gail, please make sure Mr. Hendricks pays us before he leaves. (pulls out a condom and blows it up into a balloon)