Dr. Goodyear

 

(Paul Johnson sits and waits for a doctor. Doctor comes in with a little small talk. Checks his file, etc.)

Doc: How are we today Mr. Johnson?
Paul: Pretty good, except…
Doc: How’s the wife?
Paul: Great
Doc: And what’s her name, Janie?
Paul: Oh fine. She’s three now.
Doc: Great, great, now what seems to be the problem?
Paul: Well my throat’s been a little sore for the last three days or so.
Doc: Oh yeah, let’s have a looksey shall we. Have you been having plenty of fluids, antifreeze?
Paul: Huh? (laughs) Oh yeah.
Doc: Been checking them regularly, you seem a bit dehydrated.
Paul: Well, my throats just a little swollen or something…
Doc: Yes, it does look like your hose is a little clogged in there.
Paul: What do you mean?
Doc: You know.
Paul: My throat?
Doc: If that’s what you want to call it, any way, it’s a little warm and that’s causing some over heating.
Paul: I have had heartburn lately.
Doc: Well, lets put you on the lift here. Most likely you have an exhaust problem here… Whoa, definitely an exhaust problem. How’s the ol’ engine been running?
Paul: Oh (getting into it a little) the ol’ engine’s been running just fine. It’s like a Toyota, got years to go. I really thing it’s just a bit of the flu coming on.
Doc: Are you experiencing any stalling in the morning, like it’s hard to shift into second gear?
Paul: Well yeah, after a hard night of drinking.
Doc: What?! Don’t even use anything other than premium in your tank. All right, how’s the lube job. (moves Paul’s’ limbs around a bit) Feels pretty good, now blow your horn for me.
Paul: Blow my horn?
Doc: (a little crazed) Yes, blow your horn. Oh, I obviously see what the problem is here. You just need a new computer chip. (picks up a razor and shaving cream) I’ll just have to clean up your processor a little bit (pointing to his head) and we’ll have you out of here in ten minutes or less.
Paul: Now wait a minute doctor, or mechanic or whatever the hell you are. You are not touching me you freak, you quack, you weirdo. I’m leaving!
Doc: (holding him back) (sinister) Not without your coil wire!
Paul: You’re insane.
Doc: (straps him down) We might as well rotate your ties while we are here. Maybe a nice flush and fill while we are at it. (gets out drill)
Paul: (screams)
Doc: Periodic maintenance is the key to longevity!
Paul: Wait!!!
Nurse: (sound effect) Doctor, your next patient is waiting… Doctor?
Doc: (back to his senses) Um, yes, I’m sorry. I’ll be right there Ms. Vancor. (to Paul) Mr… um.. Mr….
Paul: Johnson?
Doc: Right, Mr. Johnson. Oh, you’ll be fine. Just drink plenty of orange juice and take it easy for a couple of days. (Paul looks relieved) And, ahh, make sure you come back and see me in 3,000 miles (stick s Jiffy Lube sticker on his head and exits)