“Because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible” -- When Harry Met Sally
I’ve always loved that movie. It’s one of my favorites and one of those that whenever I see it’s on, I usually will change the channel and watch the rest of it. Lucky for me, I now finally realize what that line from the movie really means.
It was late November 2009, and I was driving home from work. Not an unusual day or an unusual commute for that matter, just the regular slow as hell drive on 285. Deisha and I had been dating for coming on two years, and she always told me that if I hadn’t proposed by the two year mark, that she would pack up her stuff and leave me. Not that I’ve ever been fond of ultimatums, and I didn’t really believe her, but that’s what she said, so keeping that in the back of my mind, while I was driving down the road, I started thinking about what life would be like without her.
I tried to imagine coming home that day, and walking inside, and not seeing all the familiar stuff strewn about. No toys on the floor. No piles of mail on the table. No cute little kid bed in the extra bedroom upstairs. No clothes and female shoes on the floor of the bedroom. No kid with eyes lighting up and running towards me yelling “Shawny”!!! No Deisha sitting the office creating in Photoshop or checking email. I thought of all these things, and I suddenly felt very terrified of the prospect of that becoming reality. I realized that my commitment phobic ass, which had lasted a whole 36 years on this planet, had just decided that under no circumstances could I let these two beautiful girls out of my life.
And that’s when I knew what I had to do.
And then for me there was only a sense of calm. Just like that, I had made up my mind while going 15 mph on I-285 that I needed to marry this woman, and be a good step dad to her child, and I was not nervous, instead I was filled with resolution and determination, and I knew that I was going to make this happen by Christmas Day.
Now the problem for me was the whole ring size thing. Well, that and I have absolutely no clue when it comes to jewelry. I realized that to ask her what her ring size was would be a total tip off on what I was thinking, and I wanted this whole thing to be a surprise. I started doing Google searches on tips for figuring out a woman’s ring size. Google was no help what-so-ever… with suggestions like, “Ask her mother or sister for her ring size”. Um… no… if I did that, my secret would last about as long as it takes for one of them to dial the phone after we hung up. So, that idea was out.
I decided I needed to find someone with more expertise. Deisha had been talking about her friend Pennie, who she went to college with, and who also is a ring maker. She had been showing me her website, and pictures of the rings Pennie made on and off over the years. I of course, being a guy, would usually just say something like, “Yeah, that’s nice”, and then forget all about it. So, now I thought it would be a good idea if I could figure out how to contact this woman, and commission a ring from her, knowing Deisha would really love a Pennie McBride special ring, that wasn’t too flashy, but just subtle and exquisite enough to be the perfect ring. Problem being… I had no clue what her name was, what her website was, or how in the world to get in touch with her. That’s just how well I pay attention when it comes to being shown jewelry online.
So I enlisted my first spy. I called Angie, and since I knew Deisha had been showing her the website a few weeks ago, maybe she would remember what the address was. She didn’t. So, I got her to email Deisha and ask her for the URL, saying something like, “Oh, I really liked that ring you showed me, I wanted to show it to a friend. What was that website again?” Angie reported back to me the next day. She’s a good friend.
So one night when Deisha was out, I wrote up an email for Pennie explaining who I was, and what I was trying to do. I went on her website, and tried to copy and paste what I had written into her contact form, and it kept saying what I wrote was too long, and to please shorten the email. So, I edited it, and tried again. Still too long. I edited again, still too long. I tried a forth time, and even though I had Word open and I was under the character restrictions according to the word count, it still wouldn’t send. Now, I didn’t know if Pennie knew me, and I wanted my first contact with her to be somewhat informational and emotional, but I was getting to the point where all I could write was, “Need ring now” in order to send the damn email. I finally got a short one to go, but it just didn’t have the flair of my original, so I copied and pasted a few sentences at a time into the contact form, and fired off like 4 or 5 emails in a row.
Now, I was pretty sure I was going to appear obsessive compulsive at this point, but I didn’t care. It took several days for Pennie to write back. She was on vacation somewhere without a computer, but all I was thinking was, “Yup, ok, she thinks I’m nuts”. When she wrote back, she said she would love to help me out, but that time was short, and we better get started. She showed me lots of ring pictures, and asked me what I liked, and what I didn’t like. As I said before, I don’t know the first thing about rings, and it was hard to articulate what I wanted, but we managed to get it down to about two different designs.
Then the dreaded question again. “What’s her ring size”?
Damnit… right, I’ve got to figure that out. So she sent over a ring size chart for me to look at, which showed me what sizes are what based on different circumferences. She suggested I look around the house, and find a jewelry box or a ring somewhere, measure it, and it should be easy. Sure… no problem. So the first night when Deisha wasn’t home, I went to scouring the house for said jewelry box or ring. Problem is, she didn’t have either of them anywhere. Apparently my girl is not a big jewelry nut like some girls I know. Not only does she not have a jewelry box I could find anywhere, but she only has one metal ring, and it never comes off her finger.
So I tried to formulate a plan. Plan A.
The next day, to my amazement, there was a plastic ring sitting on her nightstand. I didn’t know where it had come from, but I thought it must be a present from the Gods. So, I did the measurement, converted to metric from standard, consulted the chart Pennie sent me, and there it was. Size 7. So, I tell Pennie size 7, but that I don’t know what finger she wears the plastic ring on. She replies saying there’s no way Deisha is a size 7. It’s way too big. I must have measured wrong, or done something wrong, and that I needed to figure out what it really is.
Crap.
OK, so on to the next plan. Plan B. Somehow get the ring she is wearing off her finger while she is asleep and measure it and put it back on without her knowing. Needless to say, this plan failed miserably. She was asleep, and I snuck in the bedroom, and laid down next to her, and tried to slip the ring off her finger. No go. It wouldn’t budge. Not a little bit. That thing was on there tighter than my CFO is with a dollar. All I did was wake her up trying to get it off.
Now on to… Plan C. Since I had the fancy chart, I decided I could get a piece of string, and while she was sleeping, I could wrap it around her finger, mark the string with a marker, then go measure the circumference. Easy right?
Not so much.
So this is Sunday night. Pennie told me my drop-dead date to get her the correct ring size was Wednesday or she wouldn’t have time to get everything done and shipped to me by Christmas. So Sunday night, Deisha goes to bed, and I try to stay up and wait for a time when her hand is in a position where I could sneak in and get a quick measurement without waking her up. I sit at my computer, and check in every 15 minutes or so. Well, it seems my girl likes to sleep with her left hand tucked under her chin, or under her head, or anywhere that’s not easily accessible to a guy trying to measure a finger. This might be more difficult than I had thought. Midnight, hand was nowhere to be seen. 1 am, still nothing. 2 am, she had moved, and her hand was kind of sticking out near her chest. I crept up, and slowly started trying to slip the string under her finger. This must have tickled her hand, because she promptly pulled her hand away and tucked it under her chin again. Damnit, so close. 3 am, the hand had still not re-appeared. 4 am, I realize I have to wake up and go to work in 5 hours, and tonight just might not be the night. So, I crawled into bed, with the string and marker on the bed beside me, in the hopes that her hand might re-appear sometime before I fell asleep. I was also hoping she would not find it odd that I had left the light on all night so I could see what I was doing.
I woke up the next morning… mission failed. OK, I’ve got a few more days. Monday night, same set up. I let her go to bed, and I waited for my moment. Not long after she had fallen asleep, her arm was crooked out under her head, and her hand was pressed up against the wall in what looked like a rather uncomfortable position for her, but what looked like my chance, since her fingers were practically pointed straight up in the air.
I moved in, string and marker in tow. I ever so carefully slipped the string around her fourth finger. Barely breathing. Trying to be as quiet and gentle as possible. And then… Success, I had gotten the string loosely into the correct position. OK, now all I have to do is wrap it tightly around her finger, hold it with one hand, and then take the marker and make a little black mark where the strings overlapped. It was then I realized I should have practiced this move on something beforehand, because getting the string tight, holding it with one hand, and getting a good mark turned out to be quite nerve wracking and not entirely easy at all, especially while you’re doing it to your sleeping girlfriend, who if she wakes up, will more than likely wake up with a start, slap me silly, and then realize exactly what I am doing while I am over her. I make the mark, and then start to slip the string out from around her finger. This must have tickled her again, because before I can get the string properly extricated, she pulls her arm out from under her head, pulling her hand with it, which in turns pulls the string I am holding out from around her finger. She places her hand on her chest, itches her finger a bit where the string had been, then continued sleeping.
SUCCESS!!!... or so I thought.
So, I head into the office, and I measure the string. Do the requisite calculations, and find out I had measured her as a size 10. Oh come on. That couldn’t be right. I must not have held the string tight. It must have loosened when I went to hold it with one hand while I was trying to grab the marker.
Crapcrapcrap.
So, now I’m getting a little desperate. I decide to take more invasive action. I lay down next to her, string and marker within reach, and I try the “cuddle move”. I pull her over next to me, and place her head on my shoulder and hand on my chest. Perfect, I think to myself. I wait a few minutes, to make sure she is sleeping soundly, and then I start to try and slip the string under her finger. This wakes her up enough to pull her hand from my chest, itch her nose, and then place it under her chin again. Damnit, she’s itchy tonight. So I grab her hand, and pull it back on top of my chest again and hold her hand there. I wait a few more minutes, and try again. I grab the string, and before I can even try to get it near her finger, she picks her hand up, and starts scratching her leg then she leaves her hand down at her side. So again, I move her hand back into position on my chest. I wait a full five minutes this time, hoping she really was good and asleep, and just like before, when the string touched her finger, she pulled her hand away and this time she just rolled over, her hand stuck under her chin, and I was defeated.
So, now I’m in bed, and I don’t know what to do next, so I started to compile Plan D.
Plan D. Buy her favorite liquor, Jamesons, on my way home from work Tuesday night, and then just start pouring them tall for her. I figure if I can just get her drunk, and then work in the ring size question, maybe she won’t even remember it, and she will just divulge the info, and I will be able to send Pennie an email on Wednesday with the correct ring size. I’m completely out of plans at this point.
I get home, I start pouring the drinks, and she is drinking slowly. I keep trying to top her off, and getting her to drink more, but it’s not really happening. She’s taking her sweet time. I, however, am not. Hoping that she might want to keep up with me, I was drinking quickly. Some time a little bit before bedtime, in the middle of the conversation, when I felt like she might just be going to sleep soon, I slipped in the question. She said, “Size 6.5 or 7”, then I tried to move onto another topic as quickly as I could, and hope she would not recall in the morning. I thought I had done this rather smoothly. Deftly moving from one conversation item, to the ring question, to another conversation item altogether in a seamless fashion. She didn’t appear to notice, and quickly followed me along the conversation path without stopping me, or asking me why had I just asked her that question.
I thought it worked.
We went to bed. I emailed Pennie in the morning, and everything continued to move forward. She said she would make a “fat 6.5”.
The next weekend, we went to an Xmas party at her friend’s house. At one point in the evening, she point blank asked me, “Why did you ask me my ring size”? Trying to think quickly, I said, “Well, you said if I didn’t ask by my birthday this year, that you were leaving me. So I figure since I don’t know the first thing about rings or jewelry, I better start thinking about stuff now, or I won’t have a chance”. A lame attempt, I know, but I guess it worked, cause she didn’t expect the Xmas proposal at all. Or at least that what she says.
The presentation
I came up with the idea of how I wanted to propose sometime in early December. I decided to have a custom picture frame built, with a little trap door in the bottom which would hold the ring. I would write a nice proposal letter or poem or something, and work out something in Photoshop which would be placed in the frame, and then I would have the frame wrapped, and under the Christmas tree for her to find sometime Xmas morning.
I contracted my old friend Dave, who can build anything out of wood, and asked him to help me. He said he was booked solid through the end of the year, and he didn’t think he had time, but he might be able to have one of the guys who works in his shop make it for me. He asked me to call him back in a few days and see if he thought it was possible. I called, got voicemail a few times. He eventually called me back, and said he thought he could help me out, and to give him a call in a week.
So, I had a proposal to write, and time was running short. I didn’t want to write it at work, because I just wasn’t feeling in the right mind set there. I kept waiting for a night to be alone, where I could do some writing, and get to work in Photoshop without the girl looking over my shoulder, but with the holidays and all, the girl was always home when I home. Already, the fact that we share the office was cramping my style, as I couldn’t open my Gmail and look at emails cause there might be an email from Pennie that she might look up over my shoulder and read. So I’m trying my best to be very clandestine like.
So it’s the weekend before Xmas, and she told me that she had a date afternoon with her sisters, who were in from out of town, and that she would be late as she was going to take Lily up to her Grandmother’s house to see the family. So I finally had the time and inspiration, and I started writing. About 1/3 way through the poem, she called me, and said her sisters ditched her, and went to go see Avatar instead, and that she was on her way home.
Crapcrapcrap again.
So I’ve got the flow going, and it’s feeling pretty good. Not spectactular, but I had a good first draft running, then all of a sudden I realize I’ve got about 20 more minutes until she shows up back at the house. I cursed her sisters a bit, and wrote until I heard her car door shut in the driveway, and then I closed everything down.
I spent the rest of the night writing in my head, but not daring to open it up on my computer for fear she might see what I am doing. Later that night, she fell asleep, and I stayed up til 4 am again, working and adding to the poem, and getting to the point where I felt like it was close to done.
The following Monday, I was taking a vacation day from work, and lucky for me, she had to go out for a business meeting. So I knew I had about 3 hours alone here at the house that I could finish the poem and open up Photoshop and build the image to be displayed in the picture frame. I worked as fast as I could. I tried a few backgrounds, and different font types, and finally came up with something I thought would work. If I had more time, maybe I could have come up with something better, but considering Xmas morning was 4 days away, and I didn’t think I would have any more time alone with the computer, I decided to run with it. I made a disk, ran out to Kinkos, and printed out a few copies for Dave, in case one was messed up during the frame build. I dropped them off at Dave’s shop.
Long story short, Dave got sick as a dog in the weeks before Xmas and didn’t have time to plan the project in order for his guy to start it, and he ended up making the entire thing himself the day before Xmas. We talked on the phone every few hours, and he updated me on how it needing another coat of lacquer, or to be sanded again, and he asked me to call back in a few more hours. Finally at 4pm, he said to come by.
I made an excuse that I needed to run out to Wal Mart in order to pick up an extra air mattress for Deisha’s sister and fiancé to sleep on later that night, and ran over to the shop to pick up the frame. It was perfect. It was gorgeous. It was exactly what I wanted. And it was still wet.
Dave told me I shouldn’t wrap it, because the paper might stick to the finish, and that I really needed to let it air out for at least 24 hours in an open space while the lacquer vented all it’s fumes.
So, there went my plan about having it sitting under the tree in the morning. And now with Deisha’s family spending the night in my living room, I wouldn’t be able to wake up and hang it on a wall without everyone seeing what I was doing. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I had to improvise. Which meant, get home, start drinking Jack Daniels, welcome all the family members both mine and hers that would be showing up soon for dinner, and figure something out.
After a great dinner, everyone started playing the Wii games we had bought each other and opened early. Lily was with her Dad Xmas eve, and we were supposed to spend most of Xmas day with Deisha’s family at her Grandmothers, so we did my family Xmas eve, and my family loves a good video game system.
Midnight hit, so it was officially Xmas, and I had just enough Jack in me, that I decided this was it. The moment I had been looking for. While Mom, Dad, sis, and Deisha were engrossed in the Wii, I went into the garage, and pulled out the frame from the trunk of my car. Placed the ring in the little secret compartment, and took a deep breathe, and walked inside holding the frame.
No one saw me coming, so I just said, “Deisha, you’re always telling me that we need more stuff of ours to hang on the walls, so I got you this for Christmas”. She was surprised at the early present at first, but then she started reading the poem, and I watched as her eyes darted around and got wide. I saw her skip to the big writing in the bottom right corner which I had written, “Deisha, will you marry me?”, and then I saw her start to try and read the whole thing, then stop, and pull on the ribbon which pulled off the little secret door, and she saw the ring in there.
She just looked up at me, and said “Yeah”, with a big smile on her face. Then she said, “Are you going to put it on”? She stretched out her hand, and I placed it on her finger, my folks and sister stood there dumbfounded, and then Deisha and I went upstairs for a few hugs, kisses, and a good cry.
About 15 minutes later, we updated our Facebook status to Engaged.
Here’s the poem a I wrote for the picture in the frame… (Keep in mind, her daughter’s name is Lily)
A Lily and a Rose
With tomes still unwritten
And tunes to be sung
The arcs lie in waiting
The strings have been strung
The theatre is open
The stage has been set
The orchestra is tuning
Upcoming quartet
And all in all the possibilities are endless
As the pages now before us linger blank
Waiting for the inspiration to send us
Down this lengthy avenue
Together in tandem
Hand in hand in hand as
Love’s memorandum
Allows me ask
Two flowers
A Lily and a Rose
To grant a heartfelt wish that
You accept as I propose
Deisha, will you marry me?
Christmas Day 2009
Ring by: www.carlapennie.com
Frame by: www.chordstudios.com
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